Genealogy and Adoption
Disclaimer: Nothing in this article should be construed or interpreted as legal advice.
I have been teaching Genealogy off and on for over three decades. One of the things that happens in every class I teach, is that there is at least one person who was adopted, who wants to know how to go about finding their birth parents. While my answers haven’t changed much in thirty years, the resources for both the adoptees and the birth parents have increased greatly, as has the civil understanding as to why adoption records should be made available to those searching. I have a lot to say about this issue so please forgive the length of this article.
First of all, when I am approached by someone wishing to break down the adoption barrier, I always ask them why they are searching. Are they curious, are they missing a sense of themselves, or is it some type of medical reason that they need to know their background. Over the years, it has varied but most of the people tell me, that they feel a sense of not being whole, until they find out where they really came from.
The second thing I ask the person, is if they are ready for anything they might find. Sometimes, I think people have a “Waltons” view of the process, because we have all seen these television shows where adoptees are brought back to their parent or parents and all goes well and we have a Norman Rockwell ending to the story. I strongly caution everyone I speak to, that these shows go to great lengths to screen out the bad results cases and they only show the good results. They are after ratings and they don’t want a bad case on their show.
Many adoptions are because of bad circumstances. Some because of rape, some because of stupidity, and some because the situation was just not good, period. If the situation was good, the adoption probably would not have happened.
I then ask, “What happens if the person you are looking for DOES NOT want to meet you? Are you ready for that rejection?”
Most people stand in front of me proclaiming they are the Rock of Gibraltar, nothing phases them, they are invincible! But I always watch their eyes and their facial expressions and many of them tell me with their facial changes, that it would really upset them if they got rejected. So I again caution the person to be very careful and deliberate about what they do and what they might find.
The last thing I caution, is that they are looking for a complete stranger they need to completely investigate before making contact. Who knows what kind of screwball you may find. This works in both directions. The potential parent may be real trouble and so may the adopted child. Careful or you could really find yourself dealing with a Spawn of Satan.
Now, all that being said, I will tell you that if after considering all this, you decide to continue your search, you need to familiarize yourself with the laws of the state in which you were adopted. Are the records sealed? Will it take just a form to find out or will it take a court order? How much will it cost? Do you need an attorney or will a Private Investigator do the trick?
You have several routes you can go in searching for your missing link. A lot of Genealogists can help you gather some basic information. There are Private Investigators who will do this search for you for a fee. There are also companies that have named themselves things that sounds family or search oriented, so you think they specialize in Adoption, but they are really just private Investigators, who can’t find enough work following cheating spouses. So be VERY careful who you use, and make sure you check them out too. Also, the cost of using a service may be high, so be very conscious of that cost.
Now, let me tell you about two scenario’s I have personally been involved in.
The first involved a “friend” many years ago. He and his girlfriend at the time had a baby. He had done something extremely stupid and ended up in State Prison for a time, so the girlfriend, her parents, his parents all decided that the baby should be put up for what was determined at the time to be an “Open Adoption.” They pushed and shoved him to place the baby and he was sent the papers to sign. I visited him in prison, before he signed the papers and made an offer for me to become temporary custodian of the child, if he did not want to go along with the adoption. He told me no, and went ahead and signed the papers.
Several years later he was out of prison and feeling quite low, he asked me one evening if I had met the new parents. Yes. Do you know where they live? Yes. Will you tell me? No. But when that child turns 18, if he ever finds me and asks who his parents were, I’ll direct him to the right place.
I lost a friend that night. BUT, I really feel that once a person makes a decision like that, they must abide by that decision, until both parties are legal age and decide to reconnect. No one should have the right to go into a child’s life and disrupt it. No child should have to be split to two loyalties. Yes, I think that way about divorced couples who use the child as a weapon too. It’s a miserable thing to do to a child!
The second scenario involves someone who contacted me one day, claiming to be the long lost child of a family member. This person was very strange, would not give a lot of detail and had no real proof that they were really related. After weeks of vague emails filled with strangeness, I finally told this person if they wrote their entire story in a private letter and if it convinced me, then I would arrange DNA swabbing to verify things outright. I never heard from this person again and I have warned the family that this person exists and should be treated with EXTREME CAUTION !
How should you approach your lost person? Very carefully. Since you literally don’t know how they will react, you certainly don’t want to scare them off or make them angry before you even get a chance to connect. That is where it comes in handy to have a third party professional as your mediator. Someone who can work with both sides and help to facilitate or not facilitate the union; a buffer.
If you are looking ONLY for medical reasons, you want to approach the search with this fully on the table. In fact in many states, adoptees can get access to records easier, if they can prove a medical reason. You need to make it clear that your only interest is medical and any other contact is arbitrary.
One of the many resources you will find here on the Internet, are literally dozens if not hundreds of places where you can register; in the hope that you will somehow connect to a missing link. I will caution you when using these type of boards too, because they offer little to no safeguards against the person you are finding being pure trouble.
I know it sounds like I am voicing a lot of negatives here, but I have seen things go wrong time after time for various reasons and it ALWAYS shatters the person looking. This is not a quest you should take lightly. Nor is it something you should do on a whim unless you are willing to fully deal with all of the consequences. There are lives involved and families involved and the quest and the connection changes all of those lives.
One last thing. The person you are looking for has a right to privacy. They DO NOT have to reconnect with you and if you carry things too far, you could find yourself in legal trouble.
One Response “Genealogy and Adoption”
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A lot of information on there and I agree with every bit of it!!
Have never done a trace concerning an adoption and like you said you don’t know what the opposite person is all about? All is not sunshine and roses in finding someone that at one time, at least, didn’t want to be known.